The March meeting program is Turbo-Tax by Intuit, the same people who wrote Quicken and Quick Books. Our presenter is Richard Willson, who provides outside support for Intuit. Richard “Dick” is a CPA from South Bend who uses the Intuit products for his clients.

Turbo-Tax is one of the leading software packages for individuals to prepare their taxes. Turbo-Tax has very strong customer loyalty, many who refuse to use any other program. By answering a series of questions, asked in a “human” understandable format, you fill out return. Believe it or not, even somebody like me can understand the questions that are asked.

The Turbo-Tax program loads quickly and without much effort on your part. I have talked to several people who almost always call me before they load a new program. Since it came from Intuit, they decided to install it themselves. They were able to install, configure, and use the program without help.

For those who have procrastinated in preparing their taxes, the meeting is three weeks before the April 16 deadline (the 15th is on a Sunday so you get an extra day.) If you have a modem with your computer, you can even file your return electronically at 11:59 p.m. on April 16, provided you can get through on the telephone. Turbo-Tax cannot help you with that!

The February meeting was presented by our own Cindy Oyer. We were shown the in’s and out’s of the program Quicken 98. Just as importantly, we received information concerning online banking and financial transactions. Knowing what is inside Quicken 98 was greatly enhanced by the first hand knowledge that Cindy and some of the other members shared with everyone.

There were questions regarding the safety of doing online business. Cindy’s response to this was that you need to always make sure that you are on a secure server whenever doing sensitive transactions, such as online banking, or credit card account transactions. Both Internet Explorer and Netscape are very clear about showing you when you are using a secure server.

Cindy showed us many of the improvements of Quicken 98 and many of its new features. It was a well-rounded presentation with information and answers.

To compliment the presentation of Quicken, we have reprinted an article in the newsletter on the Quicken Suite 98, which has a couple other programs, and may help you gather a bit more information if you are interested in Quicken 98.

The Genealogy SIG met on February 14th and Judy Palmaffy of Photo Creations demonstrated what’s possible to do with your old photos. The before and after pictures were amazing. If you don’t want to go a professional for help with those old photos, you can try to do it yourself. If you do, keep in mind that the setup must be correct. Calibrate your printer, scanner and monitor so that you print WYSIWYG [what-you-see (on the screen) is-what-you-get (on paper)]. Judy uses Adobe Photoshop but suggests you look for imaging software that is simple to use and that will allow you to lighten or darken images.

Thanks Judy.

Our next meeting will be March 14th and we’ll discuss basic research tools, tips, forms, and the internet. You must do your homework in order for the internet to help you.

The April meeting will be on the 11th and we’ll discuss the final focus of all our research, the Book. Three or 4 of our members have published their own genealogy books and will tell us about their experiences and what you need to keep in mind when you are ready to publish yours.

Genealogy SIG meetings are held the second Saturday at 10am at The Elkhart Public Library, 300 S. 2nd St., Elkhart, IN.

This June will find APCUG in New York City. We are holding our first event in conjunction with PC Expo. This APCUG Event is different from our Comdex events in several ways. We have reduced the surcharge for non-APCUG-member groups to just $25, in an effort to reach out and attract other PC and Macintosh groups to see what APCUG does. In addition, this event is not only the two days before a major tradeshow, it also follows a major regional computer event, NYPC User Group’ InterGalactic 11. So if you come in Friday evening, June 12, you can catch the one day InterGalactic event on Saturday, June 13, and then two days (June 14 and 15) of APCUG RoundTable sessions on various topics of interest to User Group officers, followed by three days of PC Expo (June 16-18), with APCUG Vendor Events in the morning and in the evening, and you will have all day at the show, and not have to leave to come back to the hotel for a lunch event.

For more information on this event, please see http://www.apcug.org/events/pcexpo/spring98.htm

Programs to look for in the Resource Center at the March meeting:

- Telephone program to turn your PC and ID capable modem into a caller ID unit.

- Fax program with enhanced capabilities.

- Mortgage program that calculates mortgage loan payments

- A simple finance program to just write checks, balance your checkbook, and help automate the tracking of deposits and check payments.

- Instant Messenger (the alternative to ICQ)

- Addons for mIRC such as one to add color to messages

Let me know if there is something out there you would like to see featured in the shareware library, or if there is something you are looking for.

I had a dialogue with a Tourbus rider from Denmark this week who was asking about Spam and how to deal with it. After I replied he said:

“Your note contains exactly the sort of practical advice and knowledge I have been missing and unable to find elsewhere - this is sorely needed and therefore essential as a TourBus topic!”

...so I thought I’d recap our little Q&A session here. I promise this will be my last word on spam this year.

Q: I’ve read about sites where you can register yourself as a “no spam” address. Are these legit, and how can we know that these sites will not misuse the addresses they receive?

A: You can’t be sure, and I recommend that you not use them. Some of these sites are merely collection points run by spammers to obtain valid e-mail addresses. This is especially true for the IEMMC.ORG site! It’s run by a notorious consortium of spammers, and it’s been shown that registering here actually increases spam levels.

Q: I faithfully send in Remove requests whenever I get unsolicited e-mail. But I’m still getting spam - more than ever. What’s up?

A: If you send Remove requests this tells the spammers two things: (1) your e-mail address is valid; and (2) you read the e-mail you receive. Thus, you are a perfect target for more spam. This is why I recommend that people do not send Remove requests.

Q: What about those services that claim they work wih the major spam factories, and offer to remove your name from all spam lists for $25?

A: They claim to work with the major spammers, but the major spammers don’t want to remove people from their lists. Even if they are not crooks, it’s likely that they have little or no power to deliver on their promises. And they can’t do anything to stop the army of small-time spammers with lists of their own.

Q: How can these companies get away with selling bulk e-mail software that makes it easy for people to spam the Net? Isn’t spamming illegal, by extension of the “junk fax” laws in the USA?

A: Spamming is obnoxious, but not illegal. There are several pieces of anti-spam legislation being considered in the USA, one of which would extend the “junk fax law” to cover e-mail spam, but it’s not likely that we’ll see any new anti-spam laws in 1997. And any law passed by the US Congress would have no power outside the USA.

Q: I have a program called Spam Hater, which sends nastygrams to spammers and their service providers, but most of the messages it generates bounce right back to me. Why?

A: Spammers typically forge the headers in their e-mail so the true sending address cannot be determined. Spam Hater will only be effective against newbie spammers who don’t know how to cover their tracks.

Q: I read that Sanford “Spamford” Wallace, head of the notorious CyberPromo spamhaus got booted off the Net by his service provider. Is this a victory for anti-spam crusaders?

A: No. Spamford is suing his ex-provider, and even if he loses, it won’t be long before another ISP gives him a new home. Wallace made money first in the junk fax biz, and then got rich by spamming (he drives a Rolls Royce), so getting kicked off the net is no big deal to him—this is the sixth time.

Q: Okay, so no-spam registries, remove requests and anti-spam software are all useless. The spammers are running wild and there are no laws on the horizon to stop them. What can I do?

A: Press the Delete key, and get on with your life. Really. I get more spam than most people (dozens every day) and this is the best advice I can offer. Depressing, ain’t it?

Some people prefer to install spam filters in their e-mail program. If you use Eudora and want to try filtering, visit http:/ /www.mmgco.com/nospam/ for instructions. For other mailers go to http:// www.Yahoo.com and search on “spam filter.” If you use AOL, you’re at the mercy of their Mail Controls, which can filter certain spammer domains, but still misses quite a bit. As a geek and fan of non-intrusive government, I think a technical solution to the spam problem is preferable to a legislative one. But for now we’ll have to keep hammering that Delete key.

Q: How many list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to summarize all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

When I wrote my January column on airlines and travel — updating, in part, my July 1996 column on the same subject — I really, really, really intended to finish that column in February. I didn’t, of course, and I want to thank those of you who sent some (mostly) gentle notes reminding me that had gotten off-track.

When you read this column, I will likely still be on holiday, with my wife, in the Philippines. We’ll be spending all of my time on the main island of Luzon, dividing the holiday into two distinct segments: mountains and beaches. Our mountain portion will be in the City of Baguio, a frequent destination of ours, and our beach time will be in the Province of Pangasinan, where my wife was born.

We have gone to the Philippines many times, and are quite familiar with the turf. So, it seemed like a natural to try to book all or part of our trip via the Internet.

I begin looking for discount air fares last fall, and sometime in late September or early October I began my search for a consolidator.

Now, a consolidator is not something with which many travelers have experience, and there is a certain amount of risk involved in using one, but a consolidator is a great way to find airline tickets are prices below what the airlines are charging. Consolidators purchase and resell blocks of seats under contract with the airlines, and often buy blocks of seats from tour operators who have pre-purchased tickets but may not be able to sell them. Forgive the overly simplistic explanation, but if I get started explaining how consolidators work, we won’t get to the travel links I want to provide.

I didn’t know which consolidators have an Internet presence, so I cranked up one of the Internet search engines and asked it to look for airline +consolidator. The engine returned more hits than I could ever hope to use, but in the first few screens I identified several prospects. I fired off e-mails outlining the itinerary and waited for those discount air fares to come rolling in. They didn’t.

I heard back from about half of the consolidators I queried, and the general response was to come back and bother them when it was much closer to the date of my travel. I was a bit turned off by the process, and ended up getting my tickets through a small travel agency here in Gilbert, Arizona that was willing to work directly with some consolidators, and ended up beating the fares that they offered.

I did have more success booking my hotels. I used www.travelasia.com to book my hotels, and was really impressed with how well it operated. Of course, if I get there and my reservations are somehow hosed, you’ll be among the first to know.

I have also begun using travelocity in checking flight schedules. If you are cookie-phobic, beware: travelocity is very, very big on cookies.

OK, here are some airline links.

* New England Airlines has a very attractive site. I like its little Java scroll across the bottom, and thought the design and layout was quite attractive.

* Northwest Airlines has a site that offers flight information, vacation planning, plus info on the WorldPerks mileage program. Northwest is among the airlines that is offering special fares to people who book tickets online.

* Were you aware that the National Transportation Safety Board maintains a page of airline accident statistics?

* If you like photos of aircraft in color schemes of the past, take a peek at these photos of some of the airliners that use to fly into Tallahassee, Florida. The collection includes photos of Eastern DC9 and 727, Air Florida 737, a National turboprop, a PanAm 727, plus birds from Piedmont and Southern. Memories!

* A site that preserves some of the history of Ozark Airlines can be found at www.inlink.com/~dougm/ozark.htm.

* Pan American World Airways holds a special place in the history of US aviation, and www.panam.com is designed to “preserve the memory of Pan American World Airways, the people who built her and those that tried so valiantly to keep her flying.” This is a must-visit site for anyone interested in aviation history. My only gripe during the last visit was that its staff had misspelled “Philippine.” This is also an excellent site to use as an entry point to one of the aviation Web rings currently on the Web.

* Philippine Airlines is an airline of particular interest to me (my wife is Filipina) but it does not seem to maintain a regular Web presence. There is, however, an unofficial Philippine Airlines news site.

* Polynesian Airlines, the national carrier of Samoa, has seen much growth since this nation gained independence in 1962. The airline flies from Apia, Samoa’s capital, to eight international destinations: Auckland, Wellington, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Nadi, and Pago Pago in American Samoa. Also, Polynesian Airlines offers Boeing 767 service out of Honolulu and Los Angeles to Apia on a code-share basis with Air New Zealand.

* Qantas Airways of Australia has a Web site in Australia as well as a North American mirror site, hosted in Seattle.

* SAS has a “Travel Navigator” site.

* Singapore Airlines and its sister airline Silk Air share a site: www.singaporeair.com.

* As a frequent flyer, I’ve never been a big fan of Southwest Airlines. I wasn’t a fan of its Web site a year and a half ago, but I figured there’d be a revamped version by now. The new concept is somewhat cute, making the site look like the counter at an airline gate. There’s even a Southwest 737 taking off in the background. The designers had to get a bit too cute, however, in getting mail, phone and other Web offerings to fit within the concept. The picture of CEO Herb Kelleher on the back wall of the gate is a bit much. Still, if you like an airline where you have to push and shove in order to get a seat, you may just love the site.

* Swissair has one site at www.swissair.com and another at www.swissair.ch.

* United Airlines has a main site, a “flight center”, and a site for flight information.

* USAir has a site at www.usair.com.

That’s all the links for now, but I promise to visit this topic again — I’m just not going to say when.

About the Author: We continue to enjoy Frank Vaughan on our pages. Frank is a Computer Bits’ magazine editor-at-large. Computer Bits’ Online and information regarding their print edition subscriptions can be found at http://www.ComputerBits.com/

Reprinted in the Elkhart PC Users Group by express permission from Frank Vaughan. Not to be included in any article exchange agreement EPCUG may have with any other publication or organization. Reprint requests for this article must be directed to Mr. Vaughan (frankv@computerbits.com)

Originally published in the March 1997 issue of Computer Bits magazine, and is copyright © 1997 by Bitwise Productions, Inc., Forest Grove, OR, (503) 359-9107. All rights reserved.

My approach to computer maintenance and cleanliness was, I suspect, similar to that of most computer users: haphazard to minimal. I vacuumed around my work area, used an air duster and disk drive cleaner occasionally, and used anti-static wet-dry wipes to clean monitor screens when dust build-up got really bad. That was about it;

Two things recently prompted the most thorough and organized clean-up and maintenance effort I have yet attempted. One was the research I did for Keep It Clean, Part 1 of this series. Second was addition of a new flatbed scanner to the system. Since accommodating the scanner meant completely reorganizing my work station, I took it as a sign that I should practice what I was preaching.

Normally I would have done the minimum amount of work necessary to make room for the scanner and get it operating. (Especially since I had been waiting impatiently to get it up and running for five weeks, but that’s a subject for another article, Scanners, Part 2.) This time I unplugged everything, making sure all cables, wires and connections were clearly labeled so I could hook things up quickly and correctly later. Some people may be so familiar with their system that they can skip this step but I don’t rely that much on my memory and expertise. I find that clear labels (I use masking or white correction tape a lot) save time in the long run.

Next I cleared everything from my work area: mini-tower, monitor, printer & stand, desk organizer, manuals, and all the odds and ends that accumulate on, under and around a desk. Out came the vacuum cleaner with hose, brushes and crevice tool so I could get rid of the appalling amount of soot, dust and assorted crud this revealed. Then I got out some sponges, clean rags and spray bottle of 409 cleaner and scrubbed the desk and shelves.

Now it was time for the system components. I followed all steps outlined in Part 1: vacuum air intakes and vents on computer case and peripherals; use compressed air duster liberally; clean crevices with cotton swabs; clean keyboard (I used Staticide’s Keyboard Cleaning Kit) and mouse (Logitech trackball, in my case).

Next I turned to our laser printer. Staticide makes a Laser Printer Cleaning Kit that includes cartridge cleaning papers, cleaning solution, lint-free swabs and anti-static wipes, plus ink remover hand wipes. It eased the task considerably. I also recommend The Underground Guide to Laser Printers, a book from Peachpit Press that should be on the reference shelf of anyone who owns a laser printer. It not only includes more detailed maintenance tips than I could possibly include in a short article, but is chockful of other info that can save you money and help you make better use of your laser printer.

Two warnings are appropriate: Be very, very careful when cleaning the fine corona and transfer wires (they are fragile and expensive to replace), and beware of the fuser area (hot, could burn you).

Also, check your printer manual for information on filter location(s) and maintenance recommendations. The Underground Guide mentioned above also offers invaluable information on ozone filters. It suggests that your nose is a good guide to tell you when an ozone filter needs replacement.

“Ozone at ground level gives off a pungent, acrid odor. You may have noticed this aroma around high-tension power lines, toy trains, or after a lightning storm.” The ozone smell is noticeable at levels well below the recommended safe level, the book notes. But if you detect that characteristic ozone odor, it means the ozone filter is getting clogged and should be replaced. Excess ozone contributes to smog and can cause health hazards ranging from dryness and irritation or eyes, nose and throat to nausea, headaches and possible premature aging, or even worse at very high levels.

(Our ink-jet I left for later, because I plan to do a future article on color ink-jet printers; it will include buying tips, pros and cons of refilling ink cartridges, plus cleaning and maintenance information.)

Next I turned to the disk drives, using an air duster to clean around the openings to the CD ROM and Syquest EX 135 removable cartridge drives. I inserted an Allsop drive cleaning disk into the floppy drive (after adding cleaning solution per instructions) to clean the drive heads.

Wires and cables had been a snarled mess when I started, after having been changed, unplugged and replugged, and re-routed many times. (Doubtless most of you reading this need only look behind and under your desk to see what I mean.) I routed everything carefully, coiling and tying excess phone wires and power or connecting cables. The labels attached to cables and connectors simplified things.

I had cleaned the exterior of many of the components earlier with ComputerBath’s Power Cleaner solution, using the two-sided cloth: one side to wipe the cleaner on, the other to wipe a surface clean. Now I went over those I had missed. The monitor got extra attention; where I had taped notes of stuck on Post-Its needed two applications and some elbow grease. Eventually everything looked like new and spotless.

The whole process took most of a morning, time well spent. (And it will go much faster next time if I don’t neglect my cleaning duties for too long.) I can’t prove that my efforts make my system more efficient, but I suspect the preventive maintenance will pay off over the long haul...and I’m enjoying that smug, righteous feeling that comes as a reward for a job well done!

Copyright 1997 by Ken Fermoyle, Fermoyle Publications. Ken Fermoyle has written some 2,500 articles for publications ranging from Playboy and Popular Science to MacWeek, Microtimes & PC Laptop. He was cohost/producer of a radio show on computers and a partner in a DTP service bureau during the ’80s. Fermoyle Publications offers editorial, consulting & graphics design services, and Ken’s Korner, a syndicated monthly column free to User Group newsletters. For permission to reprint this article, contact kfermoyle@earthlink.net

I know that we have explained the different types of software several times before, but we continue to have new people coming into TCS, so if you have already heard this explanation, please go on to the next article, while I explain to people the differences between PD, Shareware, and Commercial Software.

Commercial Software is copyrighted software that is sold in the stores, or by mail order, and you must pay for it before you can use it. Windows 3.1, Windows 95, Corel Word Perfect, Microsoft Office, Lotus Smart Suite, and the various components of those Suites are examples of Commercial Software. I cannot legally give you, or loan you, a copy of this type of software, so please don’t even ask. I can install my software on the computer I bring to meetings and show you how the program works, and I, and others like Bruce, Paula, and others, do exactly that.

Some software is completely free; the author, or someone otherwise entitled to copyright it, has instead given it freely to the Public Domain. We can give you copies of this software perfectly legally, and you don’t owe anyone anything (except possibly you may owe the person that gave it to you a blank disk, or a reasonable charge for copying the software to the disk.

Shareware software fits somewhere between Public Domain (PD) software and Commercial Software. It is software that the author has copyrighted, but he has publically granted permission to give a copy of the software to someone else, or allow them to download the software from a bbs, for the purpose of evaluating it before paying for it. With some software they may ask you to pay for it after trying it for one week, or one month, or some other time interval. It is perfectly legal for us to give you a copy of the software, but you are morally obligated to mail the person their registration fee if you like the software and continue to use it.

Examples of such Shareware software is the BananaCom software Bruce and I give to people. If you have tried it, you will see when you exit the notice “Please use BananaCom as much as you like for seven days. Then send a check for $25 to Banana Programming, 1916 Brooks #205, Missoula, MT 59801.” If I used the software, I would certainly register it; $25 is a very fair price. I have not registered it, because other than installing it for someone or to show someone how to install and use it, I don’t use it as my comm program. The RoboMail program we use with the QWK feature on the BBS is another example of Shareware software. I certainly intend to register my package; I have not done so because the address we have on our copy is not the current address. Rocky Frisco is trying to contact the author, to find out where he moved, and whenever we find out that information, we will inform people in a message on the BBS, and here in the I/O Port.

Will you be arrested if you don’t register Shareware? No. But if the author has done a good enough job writing the program, and has been generous enough to let you try it out before you buy it, and if after trying it out, you decide it is good enough to keep, isn’t it good enough that you should pay for it?

Is there any advantage, other than a clear conscience, to registering software? It depends on the software. When you send BananaCom their $25, they will send you a version that does not have the “beg” screen at the end, and the alternating “/” and “\” that kills time when you exit will disappear, and you will be able to exit immediately. RoboMail gives you 21 days to evaluate it. If you don’t send them their $35, the program will continue to work, but it will take a one second delay before it will exit on the 22nd day, 2 seconds on the 23rd day, and increasing the delay one second each day, until hopefully you find it annoying enough that you will register the blasted thing.

I demonstrated a program called Sifter at one of the internet meetings that lets you go through a bunch of graphic files and separate them into different categories. With the Shareware version, you can separate them into four different categories; with the registered version you get 50 different categories, and you can enlarge the image being viewed by maximizing the program, and you can handle more formats than just GIF and JPG.

Would you consider giving a brief accounting of the meeting one month? Would you consider writing a small article about something you are familiar with? It could be Internet, hardware, software, industry or whatever related. It doesn’t have to be long or in depth. It can be a quick little bit of information that you would like to share with other members. Not everybody learns or hears the same things at the same time. Give it some thought, won’t you?

Have you been to an extremely informative site lately on the Internet? Did you find a site that has loads of helpful articles on it? Wouldn’t it be great if all the other members could benefit from those articles? Many online authors will give reprint permission to us if we only ask them. Simply send an email to the author, tell them about our newsletter, give them the address where they can go look at it themselves, and ask for permission to reprint. Be sure to put my email address (nisly@skyenet.net) in the ‘carbon copy (cc:) field, and forward the reply to me also.

Last year we had 1 person for each of the 11 meetings do a short review on what happened and what was presented. I have not sought out anyone for this year yet, but I will be soon. If you would consider being a meeting writer, please call me or speak to me at the meeting. Remember, a volunteer newsletter like this can only survive with support from others. You all say you think we are doing a great job, well, we can only do so much by ourselves. Eric does a great job with the layout and making it look enjoyable to read. I try to make sure there is always worthwhile stuff to read. But you really should consider helping, just once a year, either as a meeting review writer, or an article contributor, or BOTH!

Jon Slough and Cindy Oyer always do a nice job of helping, but why should only a few contribute all the time when just one extra from each of a handful more could make everybody’s job so much easier.

Thanks for reading, enjoy this month’s newsletter.

Sometime during the last year, I became an Internet dweeb. I don’t know exactly when it started, but it was confirmed this last weekend: I spent my entire Saturday afternoon enhancing my World Wide Web site so that cute little pictures would pop up whenever someone accessed it. I could have been out frolicking in the sun, but I’m not so good at frolicking (I’m more of a light prancer, actually) and in any event, I’ve been known to crack when exposed to direct sunlight. Better that I was inside.

This change is rather sudden, but well within the experience of the average American; every week, more and more folks are drawn to their computers as a means of communication and interaction. But how much is too much? Playing with the computer is fun, but as with any hobby, it can be taken too far, even if you never actually leave your desk.

So I came up with this quick quiz, to test your Internet immersion. Remember to answer truthfully. There are no wrong answers. Well, actually, there are. Sorry.

a) Blink uncomprehendingly
b) Roll my eyes at an overused catch phrase
c) Salivate like Pavlov’s dog.

a) A very small plushy object
b) A software company
c) The future overlords of the known universe.

3. You are overhearing a conversation in which the phrases “WWW,” “URL” and “HTML” are being used. You:

a) Mention that you had an uncle who worked on the WPA for FDR
b) Realize that these guys are unlikely to know anything about the hockey play-offs
c) Snicker uncontrollably because HTML is passe now that VRML has taken root as the ascendant modeling language.

a) No
b) Maybe a little
c) Understand it? I’m programming in VRML as we speak!

a) Those delightful teens from that spunky comic book series
b) Three-fifths of the third greatest animated rock band in the world, after Fat Albert’s Trash Band and Josie and the Pussycats
c) Information retrieval protocols. Duh.

a) Sausage made from frantic pigs
b) One of those video games where the characters rip out each other’s spines
c) A way to get from one World Wide Web page to another. Double duh.

a) I’d throw myself into the nearest industrial-sized blender
b) I’d surround myself with a LOT of pets
c) I’d be doing what I do anyway.

a) Wonder why someone would throw meat onto a tennis court
b) Suggest that they might next “Vienna Sausage the Infobahn”
c) Mailbomb their server and then place them in your kill file.

a) Wrap them in a blanket and roll them around on the floor to put them out
b) Assume that it’s just a lifestyle choice
c) Flame back harder.

a) A flaming pit filled the souls of the damned
b) Being on the OJ Simpson jury
c) A TRS-80 Model III with a 300 baud modem.

0-15: You clearly have no idea what the Internet is, so your risk of abusing it is non-existent. There’s some question, in fact, that you could even identify a computer newer than the UNIVAC. Well, it’s your life.

15-30: You’re about as aware of the ‘Net and its culture as the average Joe. That’s fine. Of course, TV commercials are aimed at the average Joe. Think about it.

30-40: On the edge, but still okay. Just remember: humans are more fun in person.

40-50: Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Danger! Remember “Tron”? That could be you. Get some fresh air. You’ll like it. Trust me.

Me? No, thanks. I’ll stay here. I have some more cute little pictures to post.

Quicken Suite 98 provides a comprehensive package of software that allows you to manage your personal checkbook, plan for your financial needs and deal with legal issues. The product is aimed at the average American household, and meets most of your financial software needs with three components: Quicken Deluxe, Quicken Financial Planner and Quicken Family Lawyer.

You can maintain multiple bank accounts as well as track credit cards. You can not only pay bills online, but many national vendors are now starting to issue statements electronically - a move that makes keeping up with bill paying easy, even when you are on the road a lot.

Many banks now offer direct online banking, and other services such as CheckFree Corporation offer an intermediate service to accept electronic payment orders that are then paid by electronic transfer or paper check. You can pay your bills in your pajamas at midnight while sipping a cup of hot cocoa if you like.

As you would expect, checkbook balancing and reports are a cornerstone of Quicken, as are budget and loan tracking. There are also charts and graphs to help make it easier to understand where you money is going and how your interest is growing.

You can track your investments with Quicken. The program offers limited capabilities in Quicken Basic, but the Deluxe edition supplied with Quicken Suite ’98 affords complete tracking capabilities.

The program offers a host of new functions that deal with many of your financial concerns. You can get quotations from mortgage lenders and insurance companies through an online service, offering some real savings.

Showing its heritage and links to TurboTax, Quicken will now help you search for tax deductions from within your check register. You can even play the “what if” game with the Tax deduction Finder and Tax Planner.

You can get free investment news, do investment research and get quotes online as Quicken continues to expand its abilities to deal with your investments. The program can download records from brokerage and mutual fund companies, allowing you to stay well informed about your investments.

If you have 401(k) accounts, you can follow those investments as well, or search for top performers from a list if 4,100 mutual funds rated by Morningstar.

The suite also contains a new Emergency Records Organizer that allows you to keep vital information in one place and to print copies of reports to give to others in the event of an emergency.

Some updated elements in Quicken Deluxe 98 include:

- The ability to download transactions from up to 25 credit card companies directly into your register complete with categories;

- Access to your bank account (over 45 major banks now offer online banking) information over the

Internet using secure connections;

- Improvements to electronic bill paying that make it easier to send payments to anyone from your U.S. checking account;

- More ways to sort your register making reviewing your data much easier.

Quicken Financial Planner includes updated capabilities allowing you to search for top performers in the mutual fund market.

The program works independently from Quicken, allowing you to create a financial profile by going through a simple interview process regarding your current finances and more importantly, about your future goals. The end result of the interview is the development of a financial plan to help you get where you want to be with your savings for the future..

The program makes it easy to track your progress and make adjustments to your financial plan. You can even import data directly from Quicken to answer many of the interview questions.

Quicken Family Lawyer won’t solve all of your legal problems, but it will certainly help you when it comes to wills, trusts and estates as well as just about anything that requires a standardized form. The program can generate documents such as power of attorney, bills of sale or leases, authorization for childcare and even small claims worksheets.

Ever have a need of responding to the IRS? Well, Quicken Family Lawyer can help with a series of letters that can be customized to your personal situation. The program also deals with confidentiality agreements, promissory notes, work for hire agreements and a whole lot more.

Building an estate plan is easy using Quicken Family Lawyer. It also helps find ways to minimize taxes and plan for health and eldercare, an area of growing concern these days.

Quicken Suite 98 comes as a package of 3 CD-ROMs. System requirements include a 100 percent compatible 486 or higher PC, Windows 95, 3.n or NT 4. The programs have a minimum requirement of 8 MB but recommends 16 MB. Minimum installation of all three packages requires 75 MB while full installation will claim 110 MB of hard disk space.

You need a 2x CD-ROM drive and a sound card is recommended. Your video must support 256 color VGA or SVGA mode.

Internet access is required for all online features. To use them you must have a 14,400 or higher baud modem.

Intuit can be reached at www.intuit.com. Customer support can be reached at 800-446-8848

John is Managing Editor of The Evening News. He also writes regular columns on PC issues for that publication. This article originally published in March 1998, Vol 17, No. 03 of I/O, a monthly publication of The Kentucky Indiana PC Users Group - www.kipcug.org

“A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.” — Mitch Ratliffe, Technology Review

“It’s hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious. — Anonymous

“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.” — Nathanial Borenstein

“I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.” — Isaac Asimov

“To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.” — Farmers’ Almanac, 1978

“All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.” — Anon.

“Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.” — Unknown

“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” — Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

“Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.” — James Magary

“I have not lost my mind - it’s backed up on disk somewhere.” — Anon.

“In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.” — Unknown

“If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee— that will do them in.” — Bradley’s Bromide

“The last time, somebody said, ‘I find I can write much better with a word processor.’, I replied, ‘They used to say the same thing about drugs.’” — Roy Blount, Jr.

“Personally, I rather look forward to a computer program winning the world chess championship. Humanity needs a lesson in humility.” — Richard Dawkins

“The world has arrived at an age of cheap complex devices of great reliablility, and something is bound to come of it.” — Vannevar Bush

“Putting a computer in front of a child and expecting it to teach him is like putting a book under his pillow, only more expensive.” — Anon.

“Computers are like old testiment gods; lots of rules and no mercy.” — Joseph Campbell

“The human mind ordinarily operates at only 10% of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.” — Anon.

“The 3 most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch, and a user with an idea.” — Rick Cook “The Wizardry Compiled”

“The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we’ve finished building it.” — Anon.

“The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there’s no law against wacking them around a little.” — Porterfield

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

“Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out the window!” — Anon.